FILMOLOGY

You wonder looking at the snow on the trees outside your window, why someone would care if they didn’t love. When I find it, I want to stand next to you. When I find it, I want to be close to you. When I find it, I want to hand it to you.

We would stand on the bridge and the water beneath would be cold, the breeze playing with your hair would be crisp and our friendship would be old. Old enough that I would know you’re searching for warmth every time you would turn your head and pull yourself further in your coat.

We both would have been there before, time and time again, until this time when our skins would be wrinkled and our eyes would have seen the world twice over, once now and once through the kids.

We’d stand there and you’d ask me the same question. I’ll take you back from where we began and you’ll find that it was not about finding the road for we’d have completed a journey…A journey that we would have walked together…on the same road that we set out to find in the first place!

the writing helps. mood stabilizer. I’m writing everywhere. on napkins, on my cell phone, on found papers, post-it-notes. Scraps of papers, abandoned, under the keyboard. On the paper tray, staring at me. On the printer. On the kitchen counter, on a pile of unopened mail. In the trash, facing down. They are labeled with nonsense. Labeled by me. ‘focus’, ‘it’ll pass’, ‘time’, ‘do it’, ‘what’s the truth?’, ‘illusion’, ‘vulnerable’, ‘now’, note to myself in bold “GET OVER IT FUCKING PUSSY!!!”. Music, put on the cd, turn on the synth, open up the screenplay, change the action, change the dialogue, don’t read emails, camera on tripod, get a light, shoot yourself.

It’s the simple things, if i start, it’ll carry me for hours. But i wait. I wait because I don’t have any compelling reason not to. I have things to think about. many simple things to start anytime. Why choose one over the other. Pick one without choosing one. What good is that going to do. Clear my mind, rewire my fucking brain. Open up photoshop, open up a picture. I’m in photoshop. levels, add layers, browse the filters. Now i’m set, i’m off for a couple of hours. Next day, I’ll look at it and i’ll be pleased. I’ll feel accomplished. it worked this time but it was an accident. Can’t recreate, can’t duplicate. accidents don’t happen everyday. Lucky, it does, if I can pull myself to start, convince myself that there is a journey, even if there is none, there is one.

I wake up from my stupor. dreams - some were recreational, some were re-enactments of the past but with different endings. life was wonderful but it’s 7.30. i wake up and walk into my skin. i shut the blinds - it’s getting warm in here. i switch the air off - it’s getting cold. toothpaste - red, from india, red because of the herbs in it. mint flavored floss on a pick with a handle - waste of technology. it’s in the trash after a few hurried strokes. i try to speak. the words come out from inside my chest. my vocal chord is shot. it’s thick, layered and dry. vodka from last night. listerine - my dentist said ACT is better for me, i need the extra flouride. my phone wakes up as the alarm kicks in. there is a message. it says “wake up”. no meetings today.

My thoughts are racing. Racing in an empty field. They seem to get nowhere. The faster they go, the faster they go nowhere. Salt flats, Utah. Everything goes by, nothing comes clear in sight. I try to grab on to one, any, any that I can hold on to but I can’t hold on. Either they lose me or I lose them. Some of them come back. Different the next time around but they’re all the same!  

Actors, faces, characters who have lit up my films, if you’re reading this, I have news for you.  you can use this link to showcase your work to prospective producers. The playlist button will bring up a list of the films. You can tell em which ones to see. The streaming starts almost immediately.
 
www.dibpictures.com/screening/screening.html
 
OR just tell them to go to dibpictures.com and cllick on FILMS